But this calm scene only lulls the inexperienced traveller into a false sense of security.
For this is a journey to hell – a one-way ticket on the vomit comet.
Using public transport at night is fine when you’re three sheets to the wine, but when you’re sober it’s like being trapped inside a mostly empty can of Heineken. While it’s shaken violently. With a marauding pack of X-Factor audition rejects.
A sprinkling of high heel carrying crying girls, like soggy pandas in bodycon dresses. And a half eaten kebab.
You need a strong constitution and headphones to remain anything approaching chipper. Or you need to be very drunk.
We Londoners are famed for our silence when travelling on public transport.
We all know the quickest way to alert your guileless tourist self to any pickpockets is to grin and talk to fellow passengers. We just don’t do it. Except after hours.
Rush hour is silent torture. Happy hour is a club in Leicester Square at 1am on Saturday rammed into a Tube carriage. Vodka with a twist. The twist being you get to play Russian roulette with whoever you sit next to – Will they spew on your shoes?
But I have a solution for those passengers untouched by Bacchus: let’s have a designated sober section on the train.
Like the quiet carriage, but at night and with mobile phones. Carriage AA can be for those who pass a breathalyser test.
It’ll be gloriously calm and clean, and easy to implement – one carriage per train will be plenty for the moderate among us. For let’s face it, they are few and bar between.
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