I feel dreadful (pass the Alka Seltzer) but I'm going to learn from this experience – I've written down some advice.

Note to Self: Things Not To Do With A Hangover

1. Get the Jubilee line. Do those safety doors sound loud to you? That man smells like a sock that’s been wrapped round old cheese. I’m going to be sick. I’m turning Green (Park). Next stop: Canary Barf.

2. Get the DLR. Oh my God. What is that awful screeching noise? My ears are ringing. My head feels like it’s caving in. At Poplar. No, hang on, it’s just the doors beeping.

3. Queue behind a loud hailer in a two-piece suit, while trying to secure coffee.

4. Switch queues, and stand behind a woman who’s never ordered coffee before, and wants a geographic socio-economic run down of all the options.

5. Kill someone. Possibly in Starbucks.

6. Go to work.

7. Breathe on work colleagues.

8. Sweat. Is that beads of Chenin Blanc on my arm? I’m perspiring pure alcohol. I’m a walking fire hazard.

9. Run to the toilet, with your hand over your mouth. In front of the whole office.

10. Go to sleep in the office toilets, with your head resting on the loo roll.

11. Venture out to find lunch. Don't look at The Wharf's guide.

12. Get body slammed in Cabot Place by others seeking lunch.

13. Buy three all day breakfast sandwiches in Pret.

14. Stop off at Canteen for ham, egg and chips. With a side of mac and cheese. And a scotch egg.

15. Catch a whiff of someone’s wine.

16. Only take two bites of food.

17. Read forensic reports for work.

18. Lie head on desk in office. Just for a few minutes.

19. Wake up an hour later.

20. Send four emails. All day.

21. Stop off at the pub on the way home. Especially not the Cat And Canary.

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