Results tagged “cherry green”

Cherry Green contemplates a major shift in her life

It seems that I am the latest victim of the credit crunch. Not only is my poor column coming to an end, but the day job looks a bit screwed too.

I read somewhere that 50 per cent of office workers have to drink in order to enjoy themselves at their Christmas party.

You have to wonder if the other 50 per cent are on heroin as I can’t imagine facing a work do anything other than off my face.

Dear Santa, You don’t like me and I don’t like you … No … How about: Now, I know we haven’t always seen eye to eye… no. Let’s try…

Merry Christmas! I hope you are looking forward to the one day of the year where you have to do any work.

At the time of writing I am shocked and outraged by several of the week’s news stories.

The first being the tabloids’ allegations that Gordon Ramsay has managed to get two women to sleep with him despite resembling a Shar-Pei with Tourette’s.

It has been a bad week for members of the BNP with the publication of its members’ details on the internet, making it much easier for the rest of us to make prank calls to them.

I didn’t join in myself, but then I have been sending pizzas round to Nick Griffin’s house for years.

The last person in the world that I want to fall out with is my hairdresser.

OK, so we aren’t related and she isn’t there for me when the chips are down, but she does my highlights the way I like them and doesn’t try to engage me in small talk.

I’ve just given blood for the first time and am feeling pleasantly virtuous.

In fact, I feel like I could do something terribly immoral and still have my karma intact. I might even ring Andrew Sachs and tell him I’ve had his granddaughter, too.

This week’s papers have been full of speculation about Madonna’s divorce from Guy Ritchie and, surely, we are all wondering how he managed to survive this long.

Has anyone ever tried to make jam?

If you haven’t, I would like to take this opportunity to advise you not to and to remind you that you can buy jam in shops.

When I was a kid, my dad used to make jam and it used to take a whole day of boiling giant pans.

This week an enormous Ukrainian telescope has beamed some messages into space so that aliens can look at them and think twice about visiting earth.

So I’m told by the web.

It also told me that the messages sent were chosen from competition entries via the social networking website, Bebo.

SINCE October 4, I have officially begun my new career as a squatter.

I’m carrying out a social experiment.

I’ve cancelled my rent direct debit and I’m going to see how long it takes for my landlord to notice.

Some things just shouldn’t happen.

It was with a heavy heart that I read that little known children’s author, Eoin Colfer is to carry on Douglas Adams’ good work and pen a sixth Hitchhiker novel.

Eoin, I have nothing against you personally. I have even read one of your books about fairies and found it reasonably good.

Cherry Green is ten pages into her webpage search, and she's still no happier

IF you Google “how to be happy� you get 43million results.

Which kind of makes one wonder why there are so many miserable gits around.

As a self confessed miserable git I’ve spent this week searching for the path to spiritual fulfilment on the internet (where else?).

Struggling for holiday fun? Cherry Green looks at your options in Devon

WITH the cost of fuel sky-rocketing and travel companies going bust and leaving their customers to fend for themselves in the Costa Del Sol, there is no better time to go on holiday in Britain.

Unfortunately Britain is unutterably rubbish. However, I have been scouting around for the best tourist attractions ever. For some reason many of them are in Devon.

The reverend Cherry Green is available for birthdays, bar gigs and drunk Vegas weddings

THIS week I am forced to eat Humble Pie, which is not one of my preferred types of pie.

A couple of months ago I bemoaned the fact that couples lose their sense of humour when they decide to get married.

I’m now prepared to take this back for two reasons.

Wait, so there's an Olympics in East London? Cherry Green tells us more

I WAS just getting into the Olympics when they finished. And now there will be no more for another four years.

Normally I feel indifferent to sport on the telly, unless it interferes with my Saturday morning viewing of cartoons. But the great thing about the Olympics is that you get to see loads of really cool sports you would never normally see on terrestrial TV.

Cherry Green notices that it's cold inside, and there's no kind of atmosphere

Between the months of July and August, it seems to be compulsory for all office buildings to set their air conditioning to blast out gusts of air at Arctic temperatures.

I find the office environment hostile enough without being frozen to death as well.

At the moment, every time I go outside I feel the need to say to the room at large: “I’m going out now. I may be some time."

Cherry Green brings you the latest shoddy diet tips

I’ve spent the weekend in the bosom of my family after yet another broken heart.

Honestly, I should have it fitted with Velcro.

While there I decided that the way to restore health and happiness might be to lose a few pounds. Now I have never dieted, which probably explains the size of my bum, but I picked up some wonderful diet tips from my aunt who “knows about these things�.

Cherry Green learns some harsh lessons about nature

Since time immemorial, my dad has grown vegetables in his back garden.

Every time I visit the parents, I leave with a wealth of home-grown beetroot, cabbages and onions, which I marinate gently in my fridge until they are a tender liquid. As a result, I felt fairly justified in believing that I would be able to grow vegetables.

I was very naive.

Cherry Green has got all the spurious stories...

OK. We’ve all done it. You wake up on a weekday morning and all your brain is able to communicate with you is “don’t want to go to school, don’t make me go to school�.

So after a brief tussle with your conscience you are on the phone telling your boss that you can’t come in because you have the most alarming case of explosive diarrhoea ever known to man.

When calling in sick, I always like to choose something that people will not want to ask about further, such as projectile vomiting or some kind of poo disorder.