Irritating Work Colleague came into the office on Tuesday and announced she had turned Flexitarian.
My response was simply to roll my eyes and pretend I was deep in email busy work.
Super Nice And Easily Impressed Colleague, however, couldn’t help herself and took the worm-substitute bait.
“Oooh, what’s a flexitarian? It sounds very exotic,” she asked in awe of IWC.
“Flexitarian? You don’t know what a Flexitarian is?” IWC said in her patronising way.
I pictured a Tom & Jerry cartoon moment, with me whacking her around the chops with a giant T-bone steak, her floored with a halo of twittering birds. IWC then proceeded to give a lecture on Flexitarian to anyone who happened to be within earshot. She explained that over the Bank Holiday weekend, she had gone to stay in a Gypsy Caravan on a farm in Devon.
While on the farm she had communed with nature, she had felt the call of the wild. She had gone for walks in the fields, collected eggs from hen houses and even milked a dairy cow.
And it was while she had said udders in hand that she had the Flexitarian epiphany. As if Mother Nature herself had sent a sign the cow turned around and looked her directly in the eyes.
“It was as though the cow was looking into my soul and saying to me ‘Why do you want to eat me!’” IWC said.
“Yes, why would you? It’s a dairy cow,” I proffered.
IWC glared at me but was undeterred. “I knew then that I had to make a change – so that’s why I have decided to become a Flexitarian.”
Her story now at an end, her audience enraptured by her performance, IWC then made to take her exit.
“But you haven’t said what a Flexitarian is,” said Super Nice And Easily Impressed Colleague.
“I will from now on be following a vegetarian diet but with the addition of meat and poultry,” she explained.
I could see the cogs turning in Super Nice And Easily Impressed Colleague’s head, a puzzled look across her face.
To make things clear, I added: “She’s an omnivore who likes plant-based foods so, in other words, she eats meat and two veg.”