Sneezers, wheezers, coughers, hackers, catarrh heroes, lend me your fungus-flooded ears. Listen carefully, but don’t stand too close. Go home.
Step away from the desk. Flee the office. Avoid the Tube. We don’t want you here.
E14 is awash with mucus martyrs. Coughing lungs onto the office photocopier, while they sniff their way through the cliché about being too busy to be sick.
The stoically ill may claim they couldn’t let down their colleagues, but these apparently altruistic aitchoo-ers are lying B-eechams. Selfish Lemsip snorters spreading their virus.
So self obsessed they can’t bear to miss out, and worse: they don’t care who they take down with them.
Others don’t want your snivels. We want to go to the 80th birthday of our grandfather/we always get sinusitis when we get a cold/we’re pregnant/we’re caring for a relative who is immunocompromised.
No-one wants to get sick simply because some tissue touting tool thinks they’re too important to stay home.
Contagious cowboys need to know the truth: the office will not dissolve into hysteria if you don’t come in.
The deal will not fall through. The FTSE 100 will not collapse. Some people probably won’t even notice you’re not there.
The whole of the working world does not revolve around you. Your health is none of our business, unless you make it so by coughing your virus loaded spittle over us in the lift.
Here’s an idea if you’re feeling peaky: rest and recuperate. Better to spend one day in bed, than limp half-heartedly through three weeks of Sudafed fuelled work days.
Go home. Use email. Say no to snot smeared tissues. Say yes to a germ free Canary Wharf.
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