Periodically I’m asked what my tips for getting the best from Canary Wharf are. So I’ve compiled a handy list which can be distributed to newbies on their arrival. An initiation in print, if you like.

And no, it’s not going to tell you where to get the best coffee.

Read more: Why organised fun is the antithesis of enjoyment

Your nose can work that out. This is what you really need to know to survive and thrive here, to be a real Wharfer.

My top tips for making it out of E14 alive are:

Walk fast

Faster than that. Think New York. Think the opening credits to Working Girl. Stride like you’re on a treadmill, one notch below running.

Feel the smooth crack free ground under your feet. Nothing will stand between you and your office.

Between you and your destiny. Between you and that last Pret hot wrap. Now you’re in the zone (two).

Do not speak to others on the DLR

Never look back. Caught the lady behind you in the face with a back swinging door? Don’t turn around.

You don’t wanna see ’em crying. Just walk away. That’s the Wharfer way (Apologies to Aswad).

Always sound exasperated

Just won the lottery? Landed free tickets to the moon?

Been given the rest of the year off by the boss? Forget it. For as long as you’re in E14 you’re irritated.

Like you’re seconds away from going full on Incredible Hulk, if the person in front of you’s Oyster Card doesn’t work.

Commuter says – Only when you perfect the art of tutting and scowling at the same time, will you become a true Wharfer.

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Obvs. That is all.

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