Exciting news has broken. A great healthcare breakthrough that could have a life-changing impact right now.

Professor Rickard Ignell, from the Swedish University of Agricultural Sciences, has come up with a viable mosquito repellent.

This is important news for those travelling and living in countries where a mosquito bite comes with a serious threat of Malaria or Zika.

And it’s superb news for those of us who live in (Bitey) Blighty and attract the flying bugs like, well, flies.

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Mozzies have always loved me. Mr Blonde is convinced it’s because my nutritionally balanced diet contains a large amount of chocolate.

But just because I am 90% sugar, and 10% cynical Wharfer, that doesn’t explain why these flying biting stalkers hound me.

Besides, I know the truth. It’s because my skin is the colour of Stilton. I’m a road map of delicious, and highly visible blue veins. Like a neon lit, Chicken Cottage-covered high street. I am a large night out for the insects.

I’m a stag do hot spot for midges. They come to me to indulge. And they leave their mark.

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I am allergic to mosquito bites. Huge angry red golf balls bulge from my skin, itching like Nanna’s home-knitted nylon jumpers.

They snake across me like a string of Jubilee Line stations defaced by an angry Banksy.

But deliverance is in sight. Professor Richard Ignell holds the key to repelling the biters. Unfortunately, the solution is to stand next to a live chicken. You can google it if you don’t believe me. Great.

Do you think they’d let me walk a chicken on a lead round the estate?

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