I realised at 1.37am on Monday that my scanner was Donald Trump. After an hour of tense negotiations with my multi-purpose machine resulted in no scanned documents, I began to doubt its real intentions.

My concerns grew when I noticed the angle of the paper it had spat out during an alleged clean of the print head.

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Jammed, and discoloured pee yellow from the purported ink test, the paper looped up and over the printer/scanner in what can only be described as a forward frontal sweep. It was Trump hair. Blatant.

This, coupled with its egocentric attention seeking agitating behaviour, made me sure; my scanner, despite having no apparent intelligence, wanted to be the next President of the USA.

And probably marry a calculator a quarter of it’s age (I’d already seen it eyeing up my Dynamo labelling machine in a sleazy manner).

Without wishing to alert the scanner to my suspicions, I began to compile evidence of it’s growing megalomania.

The scanner proudly displays its name in large raised shiny letters on it’s side, just like Trump Towers in New York is branded by Donald’s surname.

The scanner makes loud unprovoked and often unintelligible noises, like DT.

Trump threatens to build a “great wall on our southern border”, to keep Mexicans out of the US. My scanner threatens a firewall to keep me out of my documents.

Its constant reiteration “Computer not found”, despite being plugged directly into my Mac, echoes Trump’s insistence, despite scientific evidence to the contrary, that global warming is a hoax.

The proof is damning. It’s time to pull the plug on its power supply.

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