I’d be more surprised to reach the right person, than the Abominable Snowman being found in a pinstripe suit, sipping a Sidecar in Plateau.

I’m in the modern equivalent of Dante’s circles of hell. Dante’s Inferno 2.0, or two point woe. And I’m not trying to complain.

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I just want to buy some cover. I actually want to give them money. But that is the only thing they haven’t got covered.

This is purgatory. The soundtrack is a panpipe version of Elton John’s Candle In The Wind. On repeat. Forever. Who picks hold music for giant corporations?

There’s a damaged soul right now in a switchboard control room, all the blinds pulled down low, screaming at the computer: “And here’s an Agadoo instrumental, played on a Fisher Price xylophone – have it.”

What have we done to deserve hold music? Have we angered the gods? Why send us panpipes? It’s cruel and unusual punishment.

Do we need to free all the graduates who are stuck in call centre headsets, and massive student debt? The phrase “I’m sorry my system doesn’t cover that,” has been said too many times through the smiling gritted teeth, and broken dreams, of our educated elite.

There is only one thing worse than hold music. One thing more dreaded than a melodica rendition of the Jurassic Park theme tune, (available on YouTube).

Recorded voices of peppy Stepford Wives saying: “Your call is important and will be answered shortly.”

That will be the last sound I hear before I smash my phone to pieces. Which reminds me: I need to get some insurance.

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