Blonde's Eye View: Happy Valentine's Day
Angela Clarke sucks on a heart shaped lemon for February 14
Happy Valentine's Day. A feast in honour of the patron saint of awkwardly silent couples everywhere. The 14th is a perfect excuse to spend time with your loved one. No, not your favourite flirt buddy at work, the other one.
The one who nags you about picking up your wet towels off the bathroom floor and spends most of the time looking like they're sucking a heart-shaped lemon whenever you talk - your one true love.
I hope you've booked into a vastly overpriced restaurant, with a "lurve" themed menu, and are looking forward to making small talk about which bins need to go out this week. Recycling or general waste? That's amore.
Aside from the 17-year-old couple jet washing each other's tonsils, you will be surrounded by like-minded people, quietly dying inside.
Valentine's Day is second only to New Year's Eve in its pressure to have the best experience ever.
Beat yourself over the head with a cellophane wrapped £20 rose and repeat after me: "We will be amorous! We will gaze lovingly into each other's eyes. We will drive every singleton to binge on Bridget Jones."
The sad singleton is the biggest myth of all.
Most of my unencumbered mates will be busy making jokes with people who listen to them, about cheap underwear being lace-decorated cystitis in disguise and teddy bears that smell of petrol.
This year there will only be one group enjoying a true romantic moment.
Following the passing of the equal marriage bill, I predict a spate of gay marriage proposals tonight.
I hope they do it far away from the set-menu, set-scowling faces of the restaurant couples.
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