Concrete Pencil: If I ruled the Wharf

There are a few too many towers, for a start, so a couple of them are going to have to go.

Not any of the real set pieces (I don't want to change the skyline) just a couple of minor ones like Barclays and one of the Credit Suisses.

I want to buy by spring, because once the days warm up I'm going to want to be setting up workstations outdoors, and every worker will have his or her own tree to sit under. 

Around that time too gardeners in my employ will be replanting the estate's beds so no three plants or flowers are in a straight line or equidistant.

There will be no cars. Workers from the towers we decided we didn't want can work in the car parks. 

The green bridge will be repainted beige. I did think pink, but that would have been a bit drastic.

All sandwiches will be half price, forever.

This newspaper will have bit of a change of direction.

The current editor will be hastened to his next role (I hear whispers about The Times editorship) and replaced with a (revived) Donald Barthelme, the playful, lovely, late American writer from whom I stole this idea. I like my front pages surreal.

The DLR will be free and take Wharfers on school trips to the Thames Barrier and Billingsgate Market.

Bene Bene and Carluccios will swap prices. Smollensky's will become a lending library and Cabot Square will be a lido.

Daveys will have decide once and for all whether it takes an apostrophe.

Anyone being rude to waiting staff will be executed. 

Firms will no longer be able to rename roads or squares nor write their names on the side of their towers. Reuters Plaza will forthwith be known as Why Can't Everyone Just Be Nice To Each Other Square. 

And the lights of the towers will carry my music and reading recommendations. That first month, Citibank will be "The Tindersticks". HSBC will be "John Cheever".

Shopping will be banned on Sundays, apart from the sale of good hangover food (sweet Nando's).

The Wharf Boys football matches will be televised in the pubs and played at a new stadium down by the river. There will be chants about all our greats:

There's only one Jimmy Findlay. Wheeeeeeler, Wheeeeeeler.

If you can't get a season ticket you can watch it on a big screen by the lido.

Jamie Oliver will have to work the kitchen at his restaurant every day.

Everyone will have to have their shoes shined once a week.

Nothing too drastic you see, but improvements all.