Spiral Notebook: It's a man's world

It has the misleading tagline - "Funny how 30 seconds can stay with you a lifetime" - which fails to point out that for an advert to stay the course those 30 seconds have to be repeated, revived, shown again on Channel 4 clip shows and then get rolled into the whole nostalgia industry.

Anyway, that's not the point. The point is that advertisers have a tough job getting it right. For every "I'm a secret lemonade drinker" there's a "Perspirex - Your sweat solution".

And take moisturising. Moisturising is a cakewalk for women. A dried leaf. A rose petal. A slim vial of some luxurious creamy liquid and a price tag in three figures and you have a sale.

But moisturising is a tough sell for men. Men don't moisturise. They laugh in the wind-whipped ruddy face of moisturising.

So advertisers have side-stepped this linguistic minefield, according to another new advert.

According to Gillette, you don't moisturise after you shave. No, you "refuel". That's right, you've turned from a girly, pampering wimp to Jensen Button's nozzle man clad in flame-proof garb ready to face down a flash-over. Begs the question. What other products need an essential repackaging to speak to the masculine market?

How about:

Kleenex issues - Contain the explosion™

Alpro soy milk - Beans, only liquid™

Penguin books - Bash yourself on the bonce with a brain brick, bozo™

Sea Kelp Exfoliating Scrub - Gnaws the flesh right off your boat™

Band-Aid - Sticky tats for icky cuts™

Ryvita - Crack a slab of nobbled rye™

Ambre Solaire - Stick it, sunshine™

Activia yoghurt - Digestive Kuga™

Innocent Smoothies - Pulp crucifixion™

Fairy Liquid - Cos if you stick 'em in the blender, that's what you get™

Pampers Sensitive Wipes - You're the daddy now™

Parozone toilet block - Aim high™

Zovirax cold sore remedy - For less of your lip™