Concrete Pencil: Mobiles vs Moaners

It's inconsiderate and annoying and the songs are rubbish and the sound quality's poor. 
But I never say anything - I am first and foremost a coward. And I figure that not saying something at the time means I have no right to complain about it later.

Sadly, that feeling isn't shared by anyone else. So those seven and a half million are split between those who hang around on buses playing their krunk or grime or grunk or kime, or whatever, and those who seem to be queuing up to complain about it to me.

For the record, here's the deal: You, like me, are too cowardly to say anything to these people, so you have no right to take up the valuable time of co-workers and life partners with your futile complaints.

Don't tell me, I just don't care. And besides, I'm not going to be able to make them stop. No one is. And no, there shouldn't be a law against it. And no, it doesn't mean Britain is going to hell in any kind of a cart, especially not a hand one.

That noise on the bus is the result of many factors, chiefly virulent capitalism and personal freedom the likes of which few previous generations ever saw.

For centuries, social and financial constraints meant large parts of life were boring, painful and crushingly disappointing.

Now we all have much more freedom to go places and do things. Sometimes other people will do stuff that really, really annoys us. That's the price of the freedom we hold in common. Get used to it.

Another thing often complained about is that private phone calls are shouted on phones on buses, because everyone wants to share.

And that's probably bad. But I was glad of it at the lido this week because it gave me the opportunity to witness the following exchange.

A couple were seated on a grass bank crowded with sunbathers, and remarkably they were with one of his friends. The swearing has been taken out.

"You lied about it."

"I wasn't with you then."

"You lied about it."

"I wasn't with you." 

"You lied."

"Wasn't with you."

"You went with Jason."

"I didn't lie."

"You lied."

"Wasn't with."

"It's over and I'm glad."

"I wasn't with you."

"Don't care. You're a boring [nasty swearword]. Plenty more fish. And for you."

"But I wasn't with you."

"Come round later all your stuff will be outside the flat in bags."

"I wasn't with you."

"Here, is this your clubcard?"

Dan Bourke is also lurking at blogs.mirror.co.uk/opposite-of-work