Jubilant without the Jubilee

It makes sense: the Tube and the trains reach their peak of busyness about half an hour before I normally get on them, so the earlier I start out, the closer the system is to its normal overuse-inspired meltdown.

That the theory also applies to people who go earlier still, at a time when the network is less busy (6.30am rather than 7am, say) is a mystery mathematicians shall surely puzzle for generations.

It need not detain us, though. We just need to hold it in our heads that the Theory is right, but that knowing it is right will never stop anyone from setting out early. Hope still triumphs over experience.

So, earlier this week, I thought I'd get in early. Partly because there are fewer people there then to find you things to do, partly so I could get out early and have more time on my very comfortable sofa, and partly because I wanted to get an early start on getting some work done.

(I know, I know - I'm a traitor against all I ever stood for. Please don't desert me for that other column to the left. Read both, by all means. But stay with me now when I really need you. Now, when I'm overcome by irresistible feelings of conscientiousness. It will pass, won't it?)

Right - where were we? The DLR tried to ruin my day. I got to Moorgate, all was fine.

Tannoy: Bank closed due to overcrowding, Jubilee line not running.

OK, I thought... keep moving. Don't they normally say something about Fenchurch Street?

Sounds like an adventure. And I might find somewhere to go for a wee. I really need a wee.

I ask the man. He says DLR from Tower Gateway. Capital idea.

But, of course, it's not that simple. Circle line pretty much at a standstill. But while there's nowhere to wee between Tower Hill or Tower Gateway, it is nice to see the actual tower of a sunny spring morning. There are compensations.

Now, Tower Gateway wasn't too funny. Big queue, cancelled trains, no toilet. I considered finding someone to ask why there aren't toilets at stations on the Tube.

Only DLR person to find was an impossibly endearing French lady (who was another reason not to let the whole kerfuffle kill my sunny-morning buzz).

And so it continued: interminable stops between stations? That's a great chance to stare at stuff out of windows on a sunny day (truly, one of life's unsung wonders). Smelly/scary people standing next to you? A perfect excuse to kill another 10 pages of that book.

Kicked off at Westferry? Opportunity for exercise and diversion (ie. walking to One Canada Square).

And finally: An hour and 20 minutes since you started needing a wee? Yes, but you got to show a lost commuter that secret shortcut in that passageway with the secret door, of which you are so fond (and so fond of mentioning so coyly).

Some days you just can't be beaten.

Dan Bourke also spouts forth at mirror.co.uk/dan-bourke