Is it wrong to kick commuters?

And when that other fella cuts right across where you’re walking to the tunnel to change trains and you don’t change direction to accommodate him and, in fact, put that little bit extra into the forward thrust of your right foot.

In the sincere hope that you will connect sharply with his ankle, naked but for some fancy black socks.

In the sincere hope that you cause him quite a lot of pain, and also knock him slightly off balance. More than that, that his trailing leg spins wildly behind him, twisting his supporting ankle so far that his gripless loafer frisbees away from under him and he is suspended in the air.

Before he crashes down painfully on his hip, there on the overland platform at Moorgate, where it’s cold and shiny and you once saw a Tube mouse, filthy and black, do a little filthy black Tube mouse poo.

And you just walk off like it was nothing to do with you.

And you know when you get off your next train and there are people already getting on when you get to the door and normally you just take it but today you just say no, no, no, this isn’t how it works. And you put your hand in their chest and you push them right back off the train.

And then by the escalator some other guy runs over your foot with his little bag on wheels that any normal person wouldn’t dare bring on a crowded commute. And you kick the bag so it rocks one way then another like an out-of-control cable car. By now your shoes are pretty scuffed.

When all this happens, you know you’ve got to think about some things.

Maybe look at your diet. Are you drinking too much booze? Not enough water? Are you working too hard? Have you got money worries?

Have you consolidated all your credit card debts, and are you saving three to six months’ salary as standby and then trying to overpay on your mortgage?

Like they keep telling you on the telly you haven’t got time to watch.

How much washing have you done recently? Is there milk in the fridge?

Are you loved at home or are you happy on your own? Do you live with friends or see them enough? When did you last phone your mother?

I like other people. I’d like not to want to kick them.

Obviously, I’d like for them to behave in such a way that I wouldn’t ever want to kick them, but that’s never, ever going to happen. Not all the people. All the time.

So I’m not going to swing my leg out, and I’m not going to regret not doing it. Count to 10, close my eyes.

Come to work, don’t kick anyone. Go home, don’t kick anyone.

It’s a start.

Dan Bourke can also be found burbling online at blogs.mirror.co.uk/opposite-of-work.