Steer clear of all-night jam sessions

I always thought he was just making a bit of a meal of it. However my recent experience shows that jam is every bit as hard work as my dad made it look. Here is a quick rundown of the major jam making problems:

* It takes forever. I was still waiting for it to set at midnight.

* You have to boil it for hours. But unlike other long-cook projects, you can’t just leave it to its own devices and watch some telly because...

* It has a superfluid state, like helium. Nobody told me the freaking stuff can climb out of the pan. And when it hits the cooker, it instantly turns into boiled sweet and can’t be cleaned off.

* Stupid as it sounds, jam is really hazardous. The stuff itself is like napalm. Not only that, but you have to heat the jars in the oven so you are trying to pour boiling goo into jars too hot to hold.

The predictable result is burns and a kitchen covered in jam. Had Marvel Comics answered my letters and created a superhero made of jam, he’d have great super powers – the ability to flow up walls and inflict third-degree burns.

All the jam recipes lie. They all say things like “Why not make this simple and delicious marmalade?�

An honest recipe would begin with a warning then say: “Preparation time – one hour to sterilise jars. Cooking time – all night. You will need – Someone to clean up after you.�

Buy your jam from shops, people.