Guy without pie? It's no way to live

While no one is going to deny that she looks great for 50 and is a master of reinventing herself, Madonna does seem to show all the signs of being an inhuman automaton.

What with a gruelling four-hour exercise routine every day, aggressively adopting children from developing countries and all the stresses and strains that come along with being the queen of pop, I can’t imagine her having much time for human emotions.

I’ve always been deeply suspicious of anyone who follows a highly restricted diet.

It just doesn’t seem to be any way to live.

And Madonna is famed for her strict mactobiotic diet.

Bad enough in itself but one of the tabloids recently ran a story saying she made her poor husband eat grilled fish and grass too. Apparently he had to run away to the pub to get a pie.

I was recovering from this when I read another story that claimed her Kabbalah faith means she and her family don’t celebrate Christmas. So let’s just round up here – she won’t let her husband eat pie and she cancelled Christmas.

I’m starting to feel very sorry for poor Guy here. Sure his films are mostly awful but no one deserves that. I’m assuming the divorce is going to be granted on the grounds of mental cruelty.

I hope Guy has learned a valuable lesson – no amount of millions are worth a woman who withholds pastry and is at least partly responsible for the making of Swept Away.

Let’s hope Guy finds himself a nice normal girl who smokes and swills lager and isn’t afraid of pie.