Intrigue at Credit Suisse? Sounds like a job for Doodle Bourne

By John Hill on July 15, 2008 1:00 AM |

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Dan Bourke

Dan Bourke was drinking cheap bourbon in his office late at night, when this broad walked in...

If you were the hero of your own detective series, what would the books be like? My super-sleuth journalist, lets call him Doodle Bourne, works out of Canary Wharf.

He’s got a column in the local exclusive weekly newspaper, a penchant for Davy's lager and Birleys beef and cheddar sandwiches. He has also recently picked a bad time for giving up his Cutters Choice roll-ups.

Gorgeous widows who don’t seem too upset at some recent nastiness involving their Credit Suisse husbands would track me down in Davy's.

This last one wants another woman found without involving the boys at Limehouse CID of course.
So I take the case. Those sandwiches don’t come cheap, and besides, even a concrete pencil needs to stay sharp.

Sleuth spouses come in two types: they are either exes or they provide a sweet, light counterpoint to the sour-smelling darkness the mystery man mires himself in.

I’ll choose the latter, even though she’ll have to accept that means she’ll occasionally get kidnapped. I’ll need some colleagues on the paper. One who can get me useful information using their partners in alcoholism and other lowlife contacts.

And one who’s for ever busting my balls over the time I spend attempting to solve cases when I should be filing my weekly 500 words of whimsy. Boss with a twist: a woman!

But I’ve got to find this broad, she works at Citigroup and likes guns. And the former Mrs Credit Suisse reckons she’s got the juice on what happened to her former Mr. I’ll stake out the Corney & Barrow and keep my eyes on the power haircuts.

I’m going to need a hat. A beenie looks bad with a suit. The time for a baseball cap backwards has gone.
The Pete Doherty raffish fedora is the best of a bad bunch.

I’ll need some quirky cultural tastes too. He’d be a West Wing nut, naturally, quoting the great Bartlett for inspiration. (“What’s next?”)

We’ll have sly nods to other things I like, for the in-crowd. Streets will be named after characters in The Wire – McNulty Avenue, Bunk Row – and indie greats – Jim Bob Square, Miles Hunt Park.

The Wharf estate will be a main character. Hopefully we’ll get that as a quote for the back of the book.

“Daniel Bourke’s Canary Wharf is a central character in his gripping, dark tales of modern London.”

Hang on, this is a paper so that counts as a review. After all, I’m a trusted source: my name’s on the glass at Leon.

“A tour de force to rival Chandler.”

“Kinky Friedman meets Shakespeare.”

So will I find the broad? Did Mrs Suisse do in her man Credit and why? And does she fancy me as much as it seems?

Don’t miss next week’s instalment of Bourne To Run.