Blonde's eye view

By John Hill on May 8, 2008 8:59 AM |

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Blonde's Eye View - Cherry Green is on a mission to Mars (as long as they've got freeview)

The European Space Agency is recruiting for astronauts.

I’m so excited. I can’t wait to apply. I’d be great in space. I can’t wait to land on Mars; I shall ride the giant desert worms and scale Olympus Mons in plimsolls. Bring it on!

At least I was excited until I gave the subject a bit more thought. Apparently they won’t let you go into space without a thorough medical and I have a history of depression.

I can’t really see the ESA taking a risk on the fact that I might bring all the other astronauts down with my constant pessimism.

Plus, what kind of people actually become astronauts? While I am planning on aceing the interview on charm, a dimpled smile and a low cut top, I can’t help but wonder if the other recruits will be more along the degree-in-maths lines.

This means that I will have to spend hours in the cold void with nothing to do but get thrashed at chess. However it probably wouldn’t be beyond them to hook up an iPod to a sound system and make some dry ice out of frozen carbon dioxide, so at least we can have the odd disco.

There is also the matter of driving. I spent many years piloting an elderly Renault 5 and space ships cannot be harder to drive than that. Besides, it is probably simply a case of pointing it at the sky and pressing ‘go’. It’s not like you are going to get cut up by other spaceships. Plenty of room in space. That’s why they call it space.

But space travel isn’t all fun and games. Mars is a very long way away and the chance of getting a decent satellite signal is diminished. If solar flares and cosmic radiation get in the way of my viewing of Police Camera Action I shall be very upset.