Blonde's eye view

By John Hill on April 3, 2008 8:59 AM |

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Blonde's Eye View - Cherry Green tackles the tricky art of making music

I always wanted to play a musical instrument.

Something like the cello. I’d look great playing the cello. Blonde hair flying everywhere and an expression of fierce concentration on my face. I’d steer away from woodwind ’cause I’m not keen on the facial expressions involved there.

But, alas, I am the least musical person in the known universe.

I can’t even play the recorder. Oh, I was in the recorder troupe at school, but I got there by not actually playing and just occasionally singing down the thing. Fortunately there were enough pupils able to play the recorder to cover my crime. Somehow I don’t think the Royal Philharmonic Orchestra would let me get away with doing that.

Imagine: “Oooh... her on the cello is good. Look at all that hair!”

“Yes, but she’s actually just humming her bits of Handel’s Water Music.”

The problem I have with music is this: I. Can’t. Be. Bothered. Have you any idea of how HARD it is to play an instrument? Because it is! You have to spend three years waiting for your neighbours to go out so you can practise squawking Three Blind Mice and Beethoven’s Ode to Joy. This, coupled with the fact that I believe that if I am not good at something straightaway means it’s rubbish, suggests musical instruments are not for me.

I am better off sitting next to a person who can play an instrument and asking them to play that one skill-defining tune. Stairway to Heaven on the guitar, Stranger on the Shore on the clarinet and Chopsticks on the piano.

Tune in next week for another list of things I can’t do including skiing, canoeing and drinking tequila.